GRAMMAR SOAPBOX

My number one pet peeve when it comes to misuse of the English language is with the word "unique". Hardly a day goes by that I don't hear someone (usually on TV) say "very unique". I just heard it again from a scientist on Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show. When describing her butterfly robot she said, "It is very unique technology." I wanted to scream....ARRGGGHHH!

There are no degrees of "unique"! Something is either "unique" or it isn't. Let me emphasize this again - THERE ARE NO DEGREES OF UNIQUE!!!

Okay, time to hop on my grammar soapbox for this blog post. I pulled out my copy of "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk, Jr. & E.B.White. Anyone who writes, for fun or for a living, will likely have a copy of "The Elements of Style". It is a skinny little book that addresses pretty much any question a writer may have regarding rules of usage, composition & misused words or expressions. It has stood the test of time - as far as I can tell from reading the title page & introduction, it dates back to 1919.

Here is what "The Elements of Style" says about the word "unique": "Means without like or equal. Hence, there can be no degrees of uniqueness."

Examples from the book:

"It was the most unique coffee maker available.", should be "It was a unique coffee maker."

"The balancing act was very unique.", should be "The balancing act was unique."

I hear intelligent, educated people say "very unique" all the time & I want to yell at them, "There are no degrees of unique! Unique doesn't need to be described." I am by no means a card carrying member of the grammar police but this one grates on me. I think we all have pet peeves that drive us just a tiny bit crazy. What are yours?

I decided to look up one of my lesser annoyances in "The Elements of Style" to see what their take was on one of my dad's favorite words. For as long as I can remember my father has used the word "irregardless". I always believed that it should just be "regardless". As I typed this, low & behold, my spell checker flagged "irregardless" as misspelled. I thought, "Yeah, because it's not a word."

Pulling my well used dictionary (next to my "The Elements of Style") from the shelf above my computer, I discovered that Webster's defines "irregardless" as "a substandard or humorous redundancy for regardless".

"The Elements of Style" says "Irregardless should be regardless. The error results from failure to see the negative in "less" & from a desire to get it in as a prefix". So, there you have it - "You're wrong, Dad!"

I should probably go back & read through the 95 pages of "The Elements of Style" again since I am guilty of many of the rules brought up by the authors. I have a tendency to use the word "so" too often (see above paragraph) when the book tells me to avoid it.

But I think the thing I need to work on most is number 17 in the "Principles of Composition" chapter - "Omit needless words". In the previous sentence I could leave out "But I think" & "most" making it "The thing I need to work on is number 17, etc. But I LIKE my needless words. They feel needed to me. The shortened sentence sounds awfully boring to me. I've always been a talker & tend to write that way, too. And don't even get me started on commas.

FIVE LEVELS OF SENIORHOOD

Those of us who left our forties behind quite some time ago know that there are various stages of "seniorhood". It is about a fifteen year process to make it from being termed "middle-aged" to being a legitimate "senior citizen". We all start out in childhood, progress to adulthood & end up in seniorhood. I don't even want to consider what comes next.

That term "senior citizen" always reminded me of my step father-in-law of many, many years ago. Grandpa Bob was a character &, if I'm being honest, a royal pain in the ass. BUT that has nothing to do with this post since my guess is that he was a pain in the ass long before he became a senior. What I was reminded of is that he always called himself a "senile citizen." One of the few things about the man that made me smile.

But I digress - back to my "Five Levels of Seniorhood".

Level One - 50 years: The first stage of becoming a senior is turning 50 years old, half a century of living. Yikes! Of course, if you still look fairly good & are in decent health then it's not so bad since people say, "You don't look fifty at all!" or "You look great for fifty!" Plus this is when you can join AARP & start getting a few discounts on hotels, rental cars, etc. In all honesty though with AAA membership you can get the same discounts. It is still easy to rationalize that fifty isn't really old. Just a thought - have you ever noticed that it is always about 15 years older than you are that you consider old?

Level Two - 55 years: When you reach your 55th birthday the discounts really begin to kick in. Many restaurants have a "senior menu" that says for those 55 & up (or if they are being cutesy, 55 & better). This is when you can really start cashing in on those discounts in earnest. I recall knowing about the senior drink at Taco Bell (free or highly discounted) & asked at what age you could get it. I was told by the teenage boy at the register that he was instructed to give it to anyone who asked for it - no specific age. Although I'm guessing anyone over 55 probably looked around 100 to the kids working there anyway.

Level Three - 60 years: Turning 60 opened the door to a few more discounts but wasn't anything special - just another decade. By now most of us are accustomed to checking the back page of the menu for senior pricing. Whenever we book a room or a cruise I always check for deals for seniors. Most admissions to movies, museums, galleries or attractions offer a senior discount that sometimes commences at 60 years old. 

Level Four - 62 years: Level four of seniorhood is a big one since you can now apply for Social Security!  Most people I know (especially those no longer working) collected it at this first opportunity. When you do the math by waiting until 66 (or your "retirement" age) it takes over 15 years until you are finally ahead of the game. I don't know about you but I want my money now when I can enjoy it rather than waiting until I'm 81 to start receiving it. Who knows how much I'll want to do or be able to do when I'm in my 80s - assuming I even make it that far. A really cool perk is that you are now eligible for your Senior National Parks Pass - for $10 you get a card that gives you access to all the National Park sites for life! My sweetie just attained this level of seniorhood a few days ago. He's more excited about his own Parks Pass than the Social Security.

Level Five - 65 years: The ultimate & final stage of seniorhood! You are now eligible for Medicare. Virtually every discount & perk for senior citizens is now at your disposal. I find that every meal, ticket or admission that we purchase the first words out of my mouth are "Do you offer a senior discount?" I mean, hey, there have to be some benefits for making it all the way to 65 & beyond, right? And the best reward is that you now have grandchildren, hopefully, which is the ultimate in pure pleasure. You love them, spoil them, make your own rules, wave bye-bye to them & their parents as you smile broadly & head to bed happily exhausted.

This is the perfect place to share a senior ditty that I saved a few years ago. Whenever I see these little gems I keep them for further use or to just read every now & then & smile.

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area which

primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot

Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid

grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected

to reduce the number of trips older people have 

to make to the bathroom at night

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

CONVERSATIONS WITH CHARLEY - PART III

The interesting interactions with my five year old granddaughter, Charley, never cease to amaze me. Here are a few more discussions & Charley-isms.

Charley & I (along with her other grandma) share the middle name, Ellen. She is learning that most people have a third name that isn't normally used. She uniquely calls it an "Ellen name" since that is her middle name. Sitting around the dinner table last month the following conversation took place.

Charley:  Lou, what is your Ellen name?

Lou:  John

Charley:  How old are you?

Lou:  How old do you think I am?

Charley:  Six? No, thirty.

Lou:  Thirty is closer than six, but I'm sixty-two.

Gaga:  No, you aren't. You're sixty-one.

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There is a leopard skin print comforter & sheets in our guest room which Darrin & Charley share on their visits to Sacramento. When they were visiting we had this conversation.

Charley:  Gaga, did you see my new book?

Gaga:  No, where is it?

Charley:  It's in my room.

Gaga:  Oh, in your room in Hayward. I'll have to see it in a few days.

Charley:  No, it's in my room! (Gaga still wasn't quite understanding she meant here.)  The one with the Cheetah polka dots!

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One day Charley & I were discussing playing with her identical twin friends who live in the same apartment complex. Their names are Maya & Jada. We always refer to them in that order.

Gaga:  We need to head down to the playground to meet Jada & Maya.

Charley:  No, Gaga! It's Maya & Jada, not Jada & Maya. That's not their names!

Gaga: Okay, you're right, Maya & Jada. I stand corrected.

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My father, who we all call Pop, had a couple of large unexpected expenses as well as a few expected ones recently. He ended up shelling out $3500 in less than a week! Fortunately, he has money to cover it. Darrin, Charley & I were eating dinner & touched on his finances.

Gaga:  Yeah, Pop got hit really hard last week!

Charley:  Who hit Pop?

Gaga:  No, sweetie, it is just an expression meaning things cost a lot.

Charley:  Is he hurt?

Darrin:  No, Charley, nobody hit Pop. He's fine.

I think we finally convinced her that Pop is indeed okay. No one hit him & it is just a way to say that he had to spend a lot of money.