I'm sitting here staring at the shelves above my computer displaying several things of significance in my life. There are numerous photos....me and Lou on a cruise; Darrin in his pilot outfit; Charley snuggling with me, Darrin and Lou as a 3 year old; Lou leaning against the gates at Graceland; and, four generations (my dad, me, Darrin and Charley) in our Warriors shirts.
Also displayed on my shelves are my "Utah Rocks" mug from my Mother's Day trip to the National Parks in Southern Utah with Darrin; my thesaurus and dictionary (well used from my writings); a fog globe (like a snow globe) giveaway from a Giants game; various special wine bottles along with a sign that reads "Wine improves with age, the older I get the more I like it" and my words of wisdom frame that says "At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening." When I find a particularly meaningful saying I change the frame. This one has been there for several years now.
And there is one other thing. There is a small white coffee mug with purple flowers on it that says "Daughters are Special People". I don't recall the occasion but it was given to me by my mother. My mother was not sentimental and wasn't one to give emotional gifts. March 1st marked the 30th anniversary of the day she died. Somehow that mug has been in the same spot on my shelf for the 18+ years I've lived here with Lou.
I can go weeks, even months without noticing it but lately I've been thinking about it a lot. To be honest I'm not sure what it is that I am thinking when I look at that mug and read the words. Maybe it is just that I wish things had been different with my mother and me. We were never close and I've often told friends that I learned what NOT to do from her when I became a mother. Growing up she wasn't there for me like I needed. As an adult, I know that my mother did the best she could with what she knew. She had some bad things in her life that she said she would tell me sometime but she never did.
I was 40 when she passed away from breast cancer. After a month long hospital stay she was transferred to a skilled nursing facility. I'm convinced she had other medical problems, too. She was unable to communicate or really interact with any of us. That first evening at the SNF we were all with her. Half an hour after returning home my dad called to tell us they had called and my mom was gone. I believe that for whatever reason she waited until we had all left before dying.
My father seemed to think that she was going to get better and took her death really hard. I knew for months she wasn't going to recover from this and my 14 year old son had lost his cherished grandma. Fortunately, she had discovered the "magic of grandmotherhood" that I now understand and was a wonderful influence in his life. Sometimes reconciling my experience with Darrin's seems like night and day but she was a great grandma.
None of this is terribly emotional for me (which is odd since I am a very emotional person). When I contemplate these past 30 years without her I'm not really sure what it is that I'm contemplating and I doubt that I ever will. There are a lot of good memories mixed in with the not so good ones.
Sometimes when I see that "Daughters are Special People" mug, I smile and sometimes I don't. I do wonder if it would have been different if she hadn't died when I was 40. I wonder if we would have talked more about some of the real life things as time went on. Most of our discussions were of a superficial nature although the last decade when we were both mothers did give me a glimpse of what might have been if she'd have lived longer. I just looked up at my mug again and the thought struck me that I am now ten years older than my mother was when she died. In this life I'll never know what might have been.
The one thing I do believe
with all my heart is that someday I will know. I believe when we die and move
into the next realm much is made clear to us. In some form we will be reunited
with people from our past. I realize that this post is all over the place and
if you're not sure what it is that I'm trying to say, don't worry, I'm not either. I just wanted to share my thoughts as I gaze at the mug my mother gave
me over 30 years ago....thanks, Mom.
