MYSTERY DRUGS

A couple months ago I made a puzzling discovery in my medicine cabinet. Sitting on one of the shelves, kind of hidden by a few other things, was a huge bottle of bright orange ibuprofen tablets. I pulled it out & wondered how it got there. Upon further inspection it was Kirkland brand & there were 500 pills in it.

Those of you who shop at Costco probably recognize Kirkland as one of their store brands. I realize that isn't anything unusual except that I don't belong to Costco & don't shop at Costco, except on rare occasions with my sister who has a Costco card. I had no recollection of her giving me a giant bottle of ibuprofen but I was thinking that must have been the case since I don't know anyone else who shops at Costco. And certainly no one who would share that with me. The bottle had not been opened & had an expiration date just a few months away.

That reminds me, I want to share the results of a study regarding medication expiration dates that I ran across a few years ago. An independent company did testing on prescription & over-the-counter medications potency after their expiration dates. It found that virtually all medications were still effective two years beyond their expiration dates. And some were still effective up to 15 years after the expiration date! Even if you took a long expired medication it would not hurt you but simply wouldn't be as effective. I was amazed & figured I could safely use things up to two years past the printed dates.

But, I digress, back to my mystery bottle of medication. Since my hip surgery & my constant foot pain issues, I do use ibuprofen fairly regularly. Given the fact that my current bottle of 100 was good for at least another year & a half, I decided to open my newly found enormous container of 500 & use them first since their expiration date was April 2019.

A few days ago, I finally remembered to ask my sister if she gave them to me. Nope, she didn't give them to me. I described the Kirkland name & really big bottle of 500 orange pills but she said she hadn't bought those. However, she had seen them & knew what I was talking about. She added that they come in a sealed pack of TWO bottles. Of course, they do, it's Costco. Everyone needs 1000 ibuprofen tablets.

So, they didn't come from my sister. I decided to ask Lou next thinking maybe someone had given them to his father who can't take ibuprofen & he brought them home. I showed him the bottle saying I found it in the medicine cabinet. He shook his head & said, no, he hadn't seen them before. The mystery intensified. Where did they come from??? They didn't just materialize inside our cupboard, did they? I was at a loss to explain their appearance.

It was after my dad died that I found them & briefly wondered if I'd found them at his house when we cleaned it out. But he couldn't take ibuprofen due to using blood thinners & all of his caregivers knew that. No one would have brought them to him if they even shopped at Costco which I don't think they did. And I may be a little crazy once in awhile but I certainly did not bring home that huge bottle, put it in the medicine chest then wipe it from my memory with no recollection of doing it.

To this day I have no idea how we came to have a gigantic unopened bottle of Kirkland ibuprofen in our downstairs bathroom. If they were just conjured up by some unknown super natural phenomenon, I guess that's okay but why couldn't it have been something a little more valuable or exciting than pain relievers? How about a bag of gold coins? Or what about a box of diamonds? Hell, maybe even a couple of tickets to a ball game?

Since I have no clue where they came from or any more thoughts of who to ask, I am resigned to the fact that their presence may well remain a mystery. But, if by chance, any of you gifted me with all this ibuprofen, please let me know. That will solve the mystery of where the ibuprofen came from but will bring a new question - where has my brain gone?

AN EVENTFUL YEAR

As I sat down at my computer to share thoughts of 2018, I couldn't think of a simple adjective that would adequately describe this past year. To say this year was a roller coaster ride of really high "ups" & really low "downs" would be a total understatement. As I searched for a title adjective I considered "exceptional", "unforeseen", "extraordinary", "unpredictable" to name a few & finally settled on "eventful".

"Eventful" seemed to convey that some damn big things occurred both good & bad. One thing I know for sure is that I will remember this past year for everything that happened which affected & changed my life in so many ways. Here are the highlights (& lowlights) of my 2018 "ups" & "downs":

The 2018 roller coaster started up the first big hill with a huge trip that literally took us around the world. We learned of a 14 day cruise that sounded intriguing. Great deal after great deal fell into place & we had a 21 day trip booked to Singapore, Thailand, Sri Lanka, India, Oman & Dubai with an extension to Delhi, Agra & The Taj Mahal in April. A definite "up"!

My hip had been giving me grief since October 2017. I was diagnosed with bursitis & a hip flexor muscle strain before being sent to physical therapy & a specialist. Exactly two days after making final payment on our "trip of a lifetime", I was told I needed a total hip replacement! Shit! Lou agreed to push me around as many places as possible in his dad's small transport wheelchair which we took on our trip. I postponed the surgery knowing I wouldn't do any more damage. A discouraging "down"!

Three days into our trip on our Thailand excursion I was able to check my phone messages since both Lou & I had elderly fathers at home. Never in a million years did I expect to find out that my son was in surgery as I read the message. He had an accident while on vacation necessitating hip reduction surgery. That was one of the most helpless & traumatic events of my life knowing my son was in surgery half way around the world. His girlfriend & his dad were with him, thank God. And someone gave him their phone to call me from recovery which had me in tears on the tender but I was so thankful to hear his voice. A big "down" followed by a relieved "up"!

He was doing great & we detoured to see him on our way home from SFO. We did a 9 day trip to Texas in May that we had planned before the India one. I just limped around & did what I could do. We spent lots of fun pool time with Charley during the summer. I had scheduled my surgery for the week after Charley left. I wasn't missing any time with my granddaughter to recuperate. All "ups"!

On July 17, I had the first major surgery of my 68 year life. It all went well but I have since learned that it takes 4-6 months to heal physically & a full year to feel "normal" again. I'm getting there but it is difficult not to get impatient. Kind of a frightening "down" but ultimately an "up"!

The lowest point of my roller coaster year occurred 11 days after my surgery. My 89 year old father had a massive heart attack at home. The paramedics got his heart beating & put him on a ventilator to keep him alive until we got to the hospital. I was able to hold his hand & talk to him but with no response. After about 15 minutes we removed the breathing tube & 10 minutes later he passed. An unbelievable "down"!

Although my dad was "just an auto worker" his whole life, he managed to leave a substantial amount of money to my sister & me. She bought a pickup truck & I bought a 2018 red Honda Civic. We both paid cash for our cars (with plenty left over!) for the first time in our lives thanks to our dad. It was bittersweet not to be able to tell him & show him our new cars which he would have loved. Both "up" & "down"!

I used some of my inheritance to treat Darrin, Charley & Lou to a Disneyland trip over Thanksgiving vacation. That was a wonderful experience that I will cherish forever. Since Lou has treated me to travel for the last few years, I splurged on a fancy cruise to Cuba for him & me just a few weeks ago. Another wonderful "up"!

My son, my sister, my partner & my granddaughter have been my rocks through this crazy year. I have several friends who have been there for me for years & years & years. Their support & love were crucial to me. I couldn't have made it through without the countless, & I do mean countless, hours of phone conversations. Plus I reconnected with an "old friend" who I met as a teenager & she has become a great "new friend" in my life. All amazing "ups"!

This eventful year has involved some of our most amazing travel destinations, incredible time with my son & granddaughter, scary health issues for my son & me - & the death of my father who I had been caring for over the past 13 years. I'm really hoping that 2019 will be just a little less eventful - at least the "downs".

Have a safe & Happy New Year!

HAVANA, OOH GA-GA

Hopefully some of you are familiar with the pop song "Havana" by Camila Cabello. If not check it out on You Tube. It is one of the few catchy, fun, newer songs that you can actually sing along with. Darrin told me that when he told Charley I was in Havana, she knew the song & started singing it. BUT Charley & Darrin changed the lyrics.

From:  Havana, ooh na-na
Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na

To:  Havana, ooh ga-ga

Gaga is in Havana, ooh ga-ga

I love it!          

Some snippets & thoughts regarding Cuba:                                         

We had a wonderful lecturer on our ship. I don't think I have ever said "wonderful" & "lecturer" in the same sentence in my lifetime. Normally, the person who stands at the podium reciting tedious facts while clicking through slides bores me to tears or puts me to sleep in nothing flat.

But, Sandy Cares, had a wonderful delivery style. She paced the stage, using comedy, honesty & genuine excitement to tell us that in Cuba we need to take our own toilet paper & there are no toilet seats in the country. She was absolutely correct! Or she told us how cruisers always want to cut across rather than follow the right angle of the blue line in Cienfuegos to direct you to immigration. She reiterated, "Follow the blue line or they will round you up & we'll never hear from you again." People were immediately herded back to the blue line when they tried to cut the corner.

Her passion for & knowledge of this part of the world came through loud & clear. I actually retained some of what she shared remembering quite a few things. She used an inverted pyramid photo to explain how doctors, lawyers or teachers made about 30 CUCs (pronounced "kooks") per month. But tour guides could make that or more in one day in tips. The exchange rate is 1 USD=1 CUC but the Cubans add a 13% exchange fee. With the pyramid balancing on its point, it could topple at any moment. Who wants to be a doctor or lawyer at that salary when you can pick up a microphone, talk to tourists & make way more money?

The classic old cars that are an iconic symbol of Cuba were born out of necessity. I never realized that in 1959 when Fidel Castro over threw Fulgencio Batista as dictator, the United States stopped sending cars to Cuba. The embargo imposed by the U.S. stopped all exports of anything to Cuba. Since then they have made do with small Russian cars. The old cars seem beautifully restored but in reality they now have Russian engines in them & many are painted with house paint. They look great from a distance & earn a good living for those who use them to sell tours of the cities - far more than a doctor makes in a month.

I've never understood the draw of smoking a cigar that costs 10 to 20 dollars or CUCs but they are sold everywhere in Cuba. Most people were buying some of each at the obligatory cigar & rum stop on each tour. I bought Darrin a half liter of Havana Club rum, supposedly one of their best, for five U.S. dollars. Lou did the cigar buying for one of our friends. It is big business now that tourism is opening back up. The Cuban people want us there & want our tourist dollars.

U.S. citizens are only allowed to do "people to people" exchanges through an authorized tour company or cruise line excursions. President Obama relaxed the regulations on U.S. citizens traveling to Cuba allowing for easier access. But Trump is doing his best to put more restrictions on traveling within Cuba. We overheard a cruise line employee explaining to a cruiser, "It is the U.S. government who says you can't go out on your own in Havana. But the Cubans aren't going to stop you & we aren't going to stop you." That effectively told us to go for it & wander around to our hearts delight.

In all of our travels around the world, including third world countries, we have discovered that people are people. Everyone just wants to take care of their families & live their lives. Cubans were no different. They were friendly, helpful & much less pushy about selling their wares or offering their services than many countries.

NEVER AGAIN!

By most accounts I am considered a fairly adventurous person. I have jumped out of an airplane 18 times, hiked up a few mountains & enjoyed the great outdoors (as long as I can sleep inside at night). I have traveled the world visiting 50 states, 66 countries & 6 continents.  I love roller coasters & wild rides. Years ago, we rode the tallest roller coaster in the world at the time at Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio. Lou & I drove 130 MPH in his Mitsubishi Eclipse out on Highway 50 in Nevada..

Speed is a fun thing as long as I am strapped into something solid & secure. A metal car around me with air bags & a tight seat belt - crank it up! Or if I'm held firmly in place, I'm happy to go fast & inverted on a roller coaster. My chance of dying seems minimal to me in these situations.

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by colorful language you may want to stop here. This is probably my most profanity-laced post so far.

I was reminded last Sunday of the time I was scared shitless way back in the past. I was in my early twenties & a friend at the drop zone had ridden his motorcycle out to skydive. Having never been on a motorcycle, I cautiously accepted his offer to take me to the airport (about 4 miles) on the back of his bike.

With a full helmet & coveralls protecting all my extremities, I hopped on the back & was never so fucking scared in my life! He was going about 60 MPH on the deserted two lane road. All I could see was me, rolling & skidding along the asphalt as it streaked by inches away. I was sure I would die if I fell off or at least be hurt really, really badly. Remember I was only maybe 21 or 22, young & stupid. But I was also smart enough to realize I did NOT want to end up dead or maimed. When I survived those five fucking minutes of sheer terror, I stepped off the motorcycle on shaky legs with a stressed mind, & have never been on one since - NEVER.

Now, fast forward about 46 or 47 years to Great Stirrup Cay in the Bahamas a few days ago. Lou had been on a jet ski once 27 years ago in Cancun. His recollection was that they gave you a briefing & sent you out in a fairly small roped off area. There was a Wave Runner excursion on this final day of our cruise. Lou signed up & I agreed to ride along with him. What the hell, I like a little speed. How bad can it be?

This tour had a several minute video of instruction that also described every way possible to kill yourself on these "personal watercraft" machines. Because Lou had done this before we were placed in the "fast group". One guide led us after explaining the hand signals & imploring us to stay 100 yards apart while another guide brought up the rear. I discovered the only thing I had to hold onto was Lou & all he had to hang onto were the handlebars. As the group increased speed, I thought, "What the fuck am I doing?"

At speeds of 50-60 MPH & doing "S" turns across the water, I was instantly back on that fucking motorcycle speeding along inches from the water. Maybe hitting water at 60 MPH isn't quite as bad as hitting asphalt BUT remember all I had on was a bathing suit & a life jacket - & I am now 68 years old. Not to mention that I was berating myself royally for doing this after hip replacement surgery five months prior. Honestly, I was afraid I'd have a fucking heart attack.

I have a 7 year old granddaughter with whom I want to spend a lot more time. If this damned thing crashes that probably ain't gonna happen.

It was terrifying bouncing along at those speeds, absolutely terrifying. I understand why kids cry when they are scared. Lou was doing a good job of driving the thing & I trust him to be careful BUT anything could happen completely out of his control. I tried shutting my eyes or watching ahead of me but all I could see was my broken, lifeless body in the Atlantic Ocean. The engine drowned out my screams of, "This is scaring the shit out of me!", "I can't do this anymore!" & "I have to go back!". When we finally stopped for a brief rest & I discovered there was still half of the 45 minutes remaining, I told the guide, "I'm done. Take me back."

One of the guides pulled along side & I transferred to his Wave Runner. He drove like a bat out of hell but it was in a straight line & I was back on the dock in about two minutes - shaking & stressed & swearing like a longshoreman. And the damn bar was closed - where is a beer or a pina colada when you need one?

Lou told me the other guide told him now that I was gone he could keep up. Normally, I would be pissed off at that comment, but I couldn't care less once I was back on land. You all go as fast as you fucking want to go. I have reached an age where I just don't need that shit anymore. And I am perfectly fine with that!

I was reminded of a friend who said that a "Bucket List" is things you want to do before you die & a "Fuck It List" is things you have no desire to do before you die. 

NEVER AGAIN!

CAFE DE'CAY

Looking at scary decorations today I was reminded of some of my son's epic Halloween creations. Darrin always loved the costumes & makeup part of Halloween. That was probably the artist in him emerging. Too old to Trick or Treat when he was about 13 or 14 he decided to dress up as Freddy Krueger from "Nightmare on Elm Street". He had an old hat that resembled the one Freddy wore that inspired him. Darrin loved being the one who dressed up to give out the candy.

Of course, Mom got in on it by perusing the thrift stores until I found a red & gray striped sweater that was perfect for Freddy. Darrin got to work on his makeup using smudged eyeliner all over his face to create the scars & added some fake blood to finish the look. He had a toy glove from Toys R Us that had the long razor fingers (plastic ones) Freddy was famous for to complete his outfit.

Darrin still wore eyeglasses & unfortunately he couldn't see well enough without them to enjoy his evening. He solved that problem by putting a beach chair on the porch surrounded by a plastic bucket & shovel, a tropical drink, an umbrella, even a bit of sand & wore his prescription sunglasses.

The following year was probably our best Halloween extravaganza! Darrin & I came up with the idea of Cafe De'Cay. We had a carport on the side of our house with a gate at the end that led to the backyard. Under the carport we set up a small table with a black tablecloth. In the two chairs we sat a skeleton & a grim reaper. A vase with black roses rested on the table. Spider webs adorned the entire gruesome scene. Rubber bats & plastic spiders dangled from the ceiling. A large poster board Cafe De'Cay sign in the front attracted our "customers".

But the real attraction was the tour of the Cafe De'Cay kitchen which we offered those brave enough to enter. In the dark backyard with some eerie lighting & music playing we set up a couple of folding tables covered in white sheets adorned with fake blood, fake fingers, plastic knives & cleavers along with other assorted bizarre, creepy items.

I made aprons for our chefs, Darrin, his best friend & his dad, from old white sheets. Another trip to the thrift store for long sleeve white shirts made a good background for our bottles of more fake blood. My creative juices were flowing as I had the great idea to make chef hats using a strip of white poster board wrapped around their heads & stapled (to itself, not their heads). Tissue paper bunched up on the top made the ballooned tops. They all looked pretty good if I do say so myself.

A day or two before Halloween we went to a few supermarkets & bought several kidneys, livers & a few hearts of something or other. It was pretty gross in our fridge for a couple days. Darrin & his friend made a disgusting soup of god only knows what. They spread out all the internal organs on dishes placed on the tables, drizzled blood all over & made a gag worthy concoction of meals.

The guys made up their faces to look really scary & manned the tables to gross out the kids willing to tour the kitchen. Donning my witch costume I stayed out front to give candy to the little kids & ask the older ones if they would like a complimentary tour of the backyard kitchen. I only let a few back at a time while the others listened to the screams from the yard.

One poor little girl wouldn't even come up to the carport so I walked out to the sidewalk with some candy for her. She tentatively asked, "Is Freddy back there?" I replied, "No, Freddy isn't here." She skeptically said, "He was here last year." Guess Darrin made quite an impression.

That was great fun back in the day. Lately it seems that we are reduced to handing out candy to teenagers carrying pillowcases who aren't really dressed as anything. It is fun interacting with the little kids but they seem to be fewer & fewer. Two years ago we ran out of candy pretty early so last year I bought a lot more. There were less kids than usual which meant we were munching on candy until Christmas.

I told Lou I think I'd prefer a year off from all the Trick or Treaters. So, maybe we'll go out to dinner & a movie or just hide in the back of the house with the lights off.

Happy Halloween! Enjoy!

AIRPORT SECURITY

Most of you know that as of July 17, 2018, I have a new, rather large piece of surgically implanted metal where my right hip used to be. I have flown to New Mexico twice since my artificial hip joint has been in place. In years past doctors used to give you a card stating that you had a metal joint & would set off the metal detectors. With today's technology they no longer issue those cards since anyone can print one up on their computer then theoretically hide a weapon where their hip should be. I haven't a clue how you would do that without looking like you had strapped a gun to your side.

Both times they directed me toward the x-ray/scanner machine. You know the drill, hands above your head, feet apart & don't breathe. Every single time the screen shows that my right knee has metal but nothing shows up on my right hip - which is metal. This makes no sense whatsoever. Then a woman TSA agent has to come feel my knee & tell me, "You're fine. Go ahead." If I happen to have on a top with some sparkles on it those show up, too. A quick swipe of my shoulder also has them telling me to go ahead.

This is nuts but I know the drill - how else are we going to keep the friendly skies safe? Okay, this past trip I had to change planes in San Diego. We arrived at Gate 3 & my next flight left from Gate 1. Score! It's a simple, quick, close by walk. Since I left in the early, early morning, I was starving when I arrived & found a couple of breakfast options. I chose the $17 eggs, bacon & potatoes. Airport prices are ridiculous!

With a full tummy, I saw that Gate 4 was to my left  & Gate 3 in front of me, so I headed right looking for Gate 1. There was a small sign with an arrow pointing down a hallway for Gates 1, 1A & 2. I asked a gate agent where Gate 1 was located & was told I needed to go out through security, walk past the ticket counters & go back through security to Gate 1. What the hell?

I had about half an hour before my flight boarded. As I approached the security line, I saw that it was fairly long. But I had "TSA Pre". If you travel you know that means you are expedited through security & don't have to remove your shoes, your jacket, your quart bag of liquids, your electronics & Lord know what else from your carry on bag. BUT there was no sign for the TSA Pre line. Knowing the answer, I asked anyway, "Do you have a TSA Pre line?" The agent replied, "No, but here is a card that will help." The bright pink card read, "You may keep your shoes on during the screening."

Finally reaching the x-ray machine, I was told that I had to remove all my electronics. my quart bag & anything else that might set off the metal detector.....BUT I could keep my shoes on! Not at all prepared I found my phone, my Kindle, my quart bag, my other Kindle & put them in a bin to be screened. Then I remembered to tell them I have an artificial hip. I was told to step over to the x-ray scanning machine. I waited & I waited for a female agent to appear.

Once again, the machine said my knee had metal, not my hip. Trying to keep an eye on my belongings off to the side I told the male agent, "I don't care if you feel my knee," to which he replied, "I can't by law. It has to be a woman." Finally the woman arrives, does her cursory feeling of my knee, which is fine, but she also says that my right foot shows metal. WTF??? I remove my right shoe & she feels my foot. She declares it is fine but my shoe has to go back through the metal detector.

At this point, the agent working the machine says, "Whose bag is this?" It was my carry on, of course. He opens it & finds my full reusable water bottle. Having already gone through security in Sacramento, I filled up my water bottle & forgot about it. He says, "You have to go back through security & empty it." I replied, "I only have one shoe since she is checking the other one. And my flight is boarding in like five minutes." I considered playing the hip replacement card & limping laboriously toward him but decided against it. My patience was wearing thin but I know better than to argue with them. I asked if he could just go empty it for me but he said I had to be with him.

By now, I'm trying to gather my electronics, my quart bag, my carry on bag, find my shoe & make sure I still have everything I started with. Suddenly I spotted my shoe on the conveyor belt, apparently it had passed inspection & wasn't equipped with God knows what to take down the plane. I turned & the agent had apparently taken pity on me & emptied my water bottle since he returned the empty bottle to me & said, "Have a nice flight."

I took a deep breath, put my shoe back on, took inventory of all my stuff & sat down. Two minutes later they started boarding my flight. I think I will avoid changing planes in San Diego from now on.

PUNCHLINES

Back in my old skydiver days, telling dirty jokes was a favorite past time over beer at the local pizza place. A good joke teller with some new material always elicited a laugh. Here are some of my favorites that I've continued to tell over the past 50 years or so. Most of them are better if you've had a few drinks so go grab yourself a glass of wine or a beer. Here we go!

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A guy walks into a bar & says to the bartender, "Hey, give me a bubble dourbon." "A what?" asks the bartender. "A bubble dourbon" replies the guy. "Oh, you mean a double bourbon", says the bartender. "That's what I said, a bubble dourbon," answers the guy.

Making small talk the bartender asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Collar Denverado," replies the man. "Where," queries the bartender. "Collar Denverado," repeats the man. "Oh, you mean Denver, Colorado," explains the bartender. "That's what I said, Collar Denverado," says the guy.

"What brings you here?" the bartender asks. "I'm here for the shurkey toot," the guy answers. "The what?" says the bartender. "The shurkey toot," says the guy again. "Oh, you're here for the turkey shoot," the bartender exclaims. "That's what I said, the shurkey toot," the man replied.

About this time there is shift change & a new bartender comes on duty. The off duty bartender walks down to the new bartender & says, "If you get a chance, go talk to that guy at the end of the bar. It will shickle the tit out of you!"

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Two guys are in court before the judge. One is beat all to hell with bandages, bruises & black eyes. The other doesn't have a scratch on him. The judge asks the beat up guy what happened & he replies, "I was just walking along minding my own business & this guy jumps out of the bushes & beats the shit out of me!"

The judge asks the guy without a scratch for his version of what happened. "Your honor, I was walking in the park & met this woman who asked if I was looking for some fun. I replied that I was & asked how much "fun" cost. She told me it was $2.50 an inch. I told her I'd take $7.50 worth of fun. So, we are in the bushes having some "fun" when this guy comes along, steps on my ass & pushes my bill up to $15.50!"

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A man, a genie & a one foot tall piano player walk into a bar. Seeing the odd trio, the bartender strikes up a conversation. The man says, "This genie grants wishes. I suppose I could let him grant you one wish. What will it be?"

The bartender thinks for a minute, then says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly, a million ducks are flying all over the room knocking things over & wreaking havoc. "What the hell?" the bartender asks. The man replies, "I forgot to mention the genie is a little hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

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Telling these jokes, particularly the first one, requires just enough alcohol to be able to get into telling it but not too much too screw it up. Usually, I can still tell them with enough flair to get a laugh or two. Please feel free to share your favorite dirty jokes with me! I'd love to add a few more to my repertoire.