SECRETS & SURPRISES

Thirty-five years ago or so, I learned that small children don't keep secrets well. I recently discovered that is still true today. But in many ways that is a good thing since any adult caring for a child wants them to know they should definitely tell if someone has told them to keep a secret. I'm not talking about those kinds of secrets here, but rather just keeping a secret to surprise someone or spare their feelings.

Case in point - last week I was planning Darrin's Father's Day gift with Charley while he was at work. It was early in the morning & I had her decorate & "sign" his card from her. She also put stickers all over the envelope & wrote "Daddy" on the front more or less....mostly less. We put the card in the envelope & I asked her if she wanted to lick it. She did, so I showed her how to carefully lick it & stick it shut.

I told her we had to find a rock that was a few inches long & fairly smooth so she could paint it & we would write his name on it. It would be a paperweight for his desk at work. I explained how if you have lots of papers & want to keep them all in one place you put a paperweight on them. I added that Daddy would think of her every time he saw it on his desk.

We couldn't find a rock around the apartment complex but I told her I would keep looking for one explaining that we still had time until Father's Day. We discussed not telling him so he would be surprised when he opened his present.

After that we watched a couple of Scooby Doo Mysteries, did a few puzzles, played princesses, ate lunch, went to the Dollar Store for more stickers & puzzles, stopped by Kennedy Park to ride the carousel & the train, climbed on everything at the playground & shopped at Target buying Golden State Warriors shirts for both of us.

Darrin takes the Amtrak train to work since commuting in the Bay Area is a nightmare. The train station is less than a mile walk from his apartment, it's about a 40 minute ride then a short walk to his office. He is able to work from home part of the time but I come in to stay with Charley when she is with him so he can go to work. She & I drive down to meet his train in the afternoon.

As he exits the train, Charley runs into his arms showering him with kisses. She usually wants Daddy to sit next to her in the back while I drive us home. They were in the back seat getting her seat belt on while I walked around to the driver's side. I opened the door & heard Darrin say, "You licked it?" Charley replied, "Yeah, I licked it. But we couldn't find a rock." I smiled, shook my head & said, "It  has to do with Father's Day. Don't ask." He smiled back.

I couldn't believe it! After not talking about it since morning & all that we did during the day, the first words out of her mouth are about "our secret".

That reminded me of a time when Darrin was around six. My parents had gone away for a couple days. We lived nearby so it was our job to stop by their house before & after school & in the evening to feed their dog, Faira, & let her outside to do her business. Faira was a total house dog. My sister & I always believed they treated their dog better than us most of the time.

Well, one morning, I thought Faira had come back in the house & gone to their bedroom. I took Darrin to school, went on about my errands, picked up Darrin & went to let Faira out that afternoon. When we walked in the house, I saw the dog outside through the glass door. She was not a happy camper & I knew that my mother would not be pleased that her precious Faira was left outside all day. We let her in & all was fine.

BUT I knew that I had to tell my parents what I had done. While relating this story to my sister, she asked incredulously, "And you told them?" I replied, "I HAD to, Darrin was with me. You know he would have ratted me out." It was a long time before they went somewhere again that they couldn't take the dog with them.

SAFE AT HOME?

Have you ever had your home burglarized? It is a feeling of total violation & a sense that you will never feel safe again. Fortunately, this particular recollection is not a new experience but rather an old one that has been brought to the forefront again recently.

Back when Darrin was three, a little younger than Charley is now, I played tennis on a local women's team. My parents watched Darrin for me during the few morning hours each week. After tennis I brought my son home early one afternoon, unlocked the front door & left him in the living room playing for a few seconds while I ran back to the car to grab my tennis gear. Back in the house as I rounded the corner to the kitchen, I noticed the door to the garage was open, I thought, "I know I locked that door when I left."

The horror hit me as I realized that the door frame was splintered with pieces of wood all over the floor. Someone had smashed in the door shattering the wooden frame. I guess my natural protective mom instinct kicked in because I immediately went into the living room, picked up Darrin & said in a loud voice, "Mommy forgot something from the car," as I walked out the front door. I didn't know if anyone was still in our house!

The neighbors on one side of us both worked so I went to the retired woman's house on the other side. Fortunately, she was home & let me use her phone to call the police. Since there was nothing construed as immediate danger by the police they took their sweet time arriving. I also called my parents who were a few blocks away. My dad came over as we waited for the police.

Outside the house I noticed that the side gate to our backyard was open which I was sure I would have seen as I pulled into our driveway. We never left it open. Suddenly, my heart was racing & I felt nauseous as I wondered if someone was indeed in our house when I left my child briefly in the living room or when I grabbed him & we walked out the front door? Did they leave the gate open as they made their escape through the garage?

My father finally went in the house to look around & found nothing. Our bedroom had open drawers that had been rifled through but the only items taken were a few pieces of jewelry & our handgun. Had I interrupted the thieves? The police filed a report but they were not optimistic that anything would be recovered. It wasn't.

What really struck me was feeling unsafe in my own home. Most of the time we feel that if our doors & windows are locked we are safe in our house. It is our sanctuary that will keep us protected from harm. But yet, someone had come into my house by kicking in a door & rummaged through my drawers taking whatever they wanted. It was such a feeling of violation by strangers who invaded my territory.

I took a self defense class soon after that. Although it helped a little, it was months before I could go to bed & feel even semi-safe in my own house.

What triggered these long ago recollections is that Lou & I have noticed our neighborhood is not the safest anymore. We installed an alarm many years ago using it religiously when we leave the house. After realizing that we can arm the motion sensor from the stairway, we decided to start using the alarm at night, too. However, we quickly figured out a system to prevent us from setting it off in the morning since we've each done that once already.

Lou asked me awhile ago what I thought about getting a gun. Given the history of my grandfather being killed by gun violence & the fact that I have owned guns (& know how to use them correctly) my gut reaction was "yes". I'm okay with it if we make absolutely sure it is put away when Charley is here & we follow strict rules regarding NEVER coming home unexpectedly.

I hate that I feel compelled to want to have a gun in the house. I hate that we feel the need to set an alarm every night. I hate that I am reminded of a terrifying time when my home was invaded years ago. But mostly, I hate that Charley has to grow up in a world where this is all commonplace.

What are your thoughts?

KID'S DAY

Kid's Day was celebrated last Thursday. What, you may ask, is Kid's Day? Well, let me explain. One afternoon about 32 years ago, you could almost see the wheels turning in my 8 year old son's brain as he contemplated something. We had celebrated Mother's Day for me & my mother. As we were discussing Father's Day plans a few weeks later, our child asked an interesting question, "Why isn't there a Kid's Day? There is Mother's Day & Father's Day."

We replied with our parental logic that he had birthdays & Christmas to receive gifts & celebrate. Darrin replied, "But you have birthdays & Christmas, too." We pondered this conversation for all of about two minutes before deciding that he was right & we should definitely celebrate Kid's Day. That day a new holiday was born.

Kid's Day was not a specific day but was celebrated between Mother's Day & Father's Day. There were all kinds of ways to observe it. The very first Kid's Day, shortly after Darrin's declaration, consisted of us letting him skip school to attend the premier of "Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom" movie with his father. Hey, kids need "mental health" days, too.

Some years it was incorporated into a family getaway for Mother's, Father's & Kid's Days or it could be a special event or, occasionally, just a gift. Mostly, it was a way to show him how special he was to us & how much we appreciated him. Over the years Kid's Day became less of an event as Darrin grew up. But it was still resurrected on occasion since he will always be my "kid" regardless of his age.

Now, that Charley is four, I started explaining the concept of Kid's Day to her the last couple of times I've seen her. I told her the story of how her daddy "invented" it & that we were going to start celebrating Kid's Day with her. Darrin & Charley have been staying with us for a few days so I took the opportunity to introduce her to her first Kid's Day this past Thursday.

To keep the day appropriate for her age, we started with a trip to Krispy Kreme donuts. She loves her sweets & loved watching the donuts move down the conveyor belt by the hundreds as they fried in the oil. Her favorite part was the machine that flipped them over to cook the other side. After much consideration she chose a chocolate glazed donut with sprinkles. I had my favorite, a glazed devil's food one.

From there we headed to Toys R Us where I let her pick out her first Kid's Day gift - which given our history, turned into gifts (plural). I knew this was going to happen since Gaga is a total sucker where Charley is concerned. We managed to whittle the ten things in the cart down to four.

She chose a Periwinkle fairy doll (Disney fairies are a favorite), a set of six Frozen action figures including Sven & Olaf, a princess dress & a new feather boa (she loves to play dress up). Her "old" feather boa has lost over half of its feathers these past couple of years. It seems that my natural frugality flies out the window when it comes to spending money on Charley.

We spent the afternoon of Kid's Day in the pool. It has been really hot so the pool was warm enough for Gaga to enjoy it with her. Later I had the table set for dinner & was busy cooking away in the kitchen when Charley says, "I want to eat outside." Our pool area is really beautiful. It looks like a free form pond with dark walls. There are large rocks around it & a waterfall. We have a covered area next to it with a table & chairs. It is a lovely setting & Charley really likes eating out there.

We tried to convince her that it was too hot but she was adamant. She & Darrin went outside to check it out & see if it was feasible. When they returned to the kitchen Darrin stated, "Charley really, really wants to eat outside. And after all, it is Kid's Day." So, we had our dinner outside in 100 degree weather & nobody seemed to mind at all. It was a great ending to a wonderful Kid's Day!