FUNCTIONAL ADULT

A friend of mine recently posted a quote on Facebook that really spoke to me: “Pretending to be a functional adult is exhausting!” Just read the following account & you’ll see why. J

Since the inception of my blogging, I have resisted bringing the fact that I am a family caregiver for my father into my writing. I’ve wanted my blogging to be uplifting, amusing, sarcastic & just plain fun.  Caring for an elderly parent isn’t something that you would think usually falls into any of those categories.

BUT when you really think about it, the truth is that every single one of those things enter into the process of caregiving. Even though I’ve been involved in caring for my father for many years now, I don’t want to be labeled as a “caregiver”.  I am literally fighting to NOT be categorized primarily as a caregiver. Yes, that is part of who I am but I won’t let it define me.

For the past eight years my father has not been able to live alone. This man has dealt with more health issues than anyone should have to endure. Yet for the most part, he keeps a relatively positive attitude although he does seem to work at driving me crazy on many occasions. J I won’t go into all the details or I would be sitting here typing for days. He has had a stroke, two back surgeries, a shunt placed in his head & is unable to walk without a walker (& that doesn’t include the past six months). Fortunately, he is still mentally pretty sharp at 85 years old.

We have had someone live with him to assist him in the mornings & evenings – & just be there in case he needs help. Again, I could write two books (maybe more) with all that I have learned & figured out to care for him over the years. Offering a free room & a small salary to someone who needs to get back on their feet or a college student has been a godsend to us in getting my dad the minimal care that he needs. I come in every other weekend & a few weeks a year to give the live-in caregiver time off.

Unfortunately, we have moved to another stage of caregiving these past six months. Maybe I’ll go into more detail as time goes on – or maybe I won’t, I don’t know. The Reader’s Digest version is that he has been in one hospital or another eight times in the past six months. It started with cellulitis, then gangrene in a toe, hyperbaric oxygen treatments, clogged arteries in his leg, a toe amputation, more trying to clear the arteries, more hyperbaric & finally a transmetatarsal amputation (the front third of the foot). Following that, since he couldn’t keep weight totally off the foot using a walker, the wound completely opened up.

As of this writing he is getting six weeks of IV antibiotics at a rehab facility. He has been to UCSF Medical Center in San Francisco for evaluation & had yet another procedure done. BUT this past two weeks, small miracle that it seems to be, the wound is suddenly beginning to heal on its own. His doctor is guardedly optimistic that we may avoid a below the knee amputation.

So, you can see how that pretending to be a functional adult quote above resonates with me. Even though I am 64 years old, I’m still not sure when I became the “functioning adult” in charge & it sure as hell is exhausting! When I was around 12, I remember thinking that I couldn’t wait until I was grown up like my mother who always seemed to be in total control. Now, that I am grown up (debatably), I think it was all a smoke & mirrors thing with her – I doubt she felt any more in control than I do! Poor woman!

Thank God for Charley. Who would have ever thought that a 2-1/2 year old would be the reason for keeping my sanity relatively in tact? 

"WHERE'S YOUR NEXT TRIP?"

That is a question that Lou & I have become accustomed to happily answering. Our family, friends & acquaintances know that we love to travel & take every opportunity we can to explore our world. Often times we’ll have a couple of trips in the works. Sometimes I think I enjoy the planning almost as much as the actual travel.

I just counted & over the almost thirteen years that Lou & I have been together, we have taken 40 “big trips”. I define “big trips” as those which are five days or longer & are outside of California or Nevada. If you include those two states, the number reaches into the hundreds.

Unfortunately, we have both been asked the “where’s your next trip” question several times in the past few weeks & have had to answer, “Sadly, we don’t have anything planned.” That is due to the fact that we both have elderly parents with numerous health & medical issues.

My father has been fighting poor circulation in his foot that has resulted in six hospitalizations since December of last year currently culminating in a partial foot amputation. Both my sister & I live 100 miles away which makes it difficult at best. I joke that I’m the “DIC” – “Daughter In Charge”.  The day before our last trip to the Super Bowl in late January, he landed in ICU with severe bleeding ulcers from a new blood thinner. Since his life was not in imminent danger, I headed off for New Jersey with his blessing leaving my sister as the “DIC”. She did a great job & I was ready to hand it over permanently but she has adamantly refused!

Even though all of these issues may likely get worse as time goes on, I told Lou we HAVE to get a trip planned! We each literally have a travel list so we started throwing out ideas. It had to be a trip within the United States on Southwest Airlines since they don’t have change fees if we needed to postpone it. We would make hotel & car reservations that are all cancellable. That way we aren’t out any money if we have to change everything.

A couple of days ago as I read the morning newspaper an article in our Sacramento Bee jumped out at me. “Hmmmm!” I exclaimed, “Here is a big article about Frank Lloyd Wright’s Johnson Tower in Racine, Wisconsin opening for tours.”

“Really?” Lou’s ears perked up as he replied. That is the last big design of Wright’s that we haven’t yet seen. It was only open for tours one Saturday a month but the tower has been recently renovated & will soon be open daily.

Awhile later after he read it, Lou said, “Maybe we should plan a trip to Wisconsin.” There are several Wright designed homes in the area including an impressive one that is also open for public tours. Our experience has always been that we find way more to do than we have time for wherever we go & I’m sure this one will be no different.

I hopped online & checked the Giants schedule to see if we could work a trip around seeing them play the Milwaukee Brewers. We can! They will play in early August so we are happily planning a week long jaunt to Wisconsin. It is Lou’s job to find all the places we want to see & I do my best to fit them all in. This is the part of being a travel agent that I loved!

So, please, go ahead & ask me, “Where’s your next trip?”

My answer will be, “We’re going to Wisconsin in August to see some more Frank Lloyd Wright sites & the Giants play the Brewers!”

Even though parts of my life may be spinning out of control, at least our travel plans are back on track! That makes things a little more right with my world – & time with my Charley Ellen, of course.

IN AN INSTANT

This will be more somber than most of my thoughts. This morning I planned to take a “me day” – get a massage, shop a little, maybe get my nails done. On my way down Antelope Road I came upon a traffic back up. All I could see initially were several TV news truck antennas in the air & many police cars with lights flashing.

As I approached the scene, a mutilated pile of metal that used to be a car was in one lane, a police car was off the road in the bushes & a slightly damaged pick-up truck nearby. Then I saw the yellow tarp draped over the remains of the car. I knew it was covering a dead body. Someone was driving down the same road I travel at least 2 or 3 times a week having no idea that their life would end momentarily. It totally unnerved me.

As I made my first stop at the post office a few blocks ahead, I pulled out my phone & checked a local news station’s website for details. What I learned unnerved me even more. A high speed chase between the police & some burglary suspects reaching speeds of 100 mph had continued until the suspects crashed into the car. A man & a girl were killed instantly - a father taking his daughter to school.

It was such a sobering moment that I considered skipping my “me day”. But then I decided to go ahead & take care of myself. There was nothing I could do to help those poor innocent victims driving down the street as they probably did every morning without thinking that their lives could be over in an instant. Every one of us needs to take care of ourselves & those we love EVERY day. No one ever knows for sure that we’ll be alive tomorrow – or even in 10 minutes.

It is hard not to wonder what our world is coming to when innocent people can’t drive safely down a public street. The fact that two teenagers trying to escape the police in a botched burglary can snuff out two lives then flee the scene is abominable. Fortunately, the young men were caught & will be charged with homicide.

There is too much violence & too much apathy in this country. I’m not sure what we can do to stop it but something has to change. This was one incident in our neighborhood, but similar tragedies & others occur daily in many neighborhoods all over the United States. As we turned on the TV this afternoon to find more details about what was surely the lead story on the local news, we were stunned to find out that it wasn’t.

A gunman was again on the loose shooting people at Fort Hood, Texas. Three were dead & many injured as the incident continued to unfold. Countless families were locked in their homes on the base, terrified of being shot & killed. This violence, whether with a car or a gun, is all too commonplace in our world.

The most prosperous & advanced country in the world has to find a way to stop this senseless violence, destruction & death. In the meantime, give those you love an extra hug & tell them again & again how much you love them. It could all be over in an instant.

I LOVE A BARGAIN!

Man, I love it when I find a great bargain! It can pretty much make my whole day, maybe even my week. Now, I’m not talking just a sale where you can save 10, 15 or 20% off. Don’t get me wrong those are wonderful but I’m talking the REALLY good deals when you find something on the clearance rack that is 80% off AND you have a coupon for another discount.

A couple of days ago, I found one of the best bargains ever, but I’ll get to the details of that in a few minutes.

I am the discount queen when it comes to saving money & finding bargains. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been living on a fairly tight budget for most of your life. Over the years as I was able to spend a few more dollars, I realized that I relished the thrill of finding the bargain much more than I enjoyed spending more money. Years ago, I came across a great pair of boots at Ross (one of my favorite places, BTW) for $12. I loved them & literally wore the soles out from wearing them so much.

Lou & I thoroughly enjoy dressing up on the formal nights when we take cruises. He splurged on a tuxedo about 6 or 7 cruises ago which has turned out to be a real bargain, too. When we have a cruise booked, I start checking out Ross on Tuesdays several months before we sail. If you aren’t familiar with Ross, Tuesday is senior day when people 55 & over get an extra 10% off of already low prices. At last count I have about ten cocktail or formal dresses in my closet. Not one cost more than $30 & my last one was $12.99. Then I hit the clearance area of DSW (Designer Show Warehouse) for shoes & purses. Voila, I’m ready for formal night!

Unfortunately, I either need a bigger closet or I need to stop finding bargains. Hmmm, I think I’ll go with the bigger closet. J My latest discovery is shopping at Kohl’s, but don’t ever pay full price. They have made the rules & I simply play by them. I applied for their credit card & joined their Rewards program. That often gives me discounts up to 30% when I use my card. Plus I get coupons for $5 off on a $5 purchase & occasionally even $10 off on $10. Of course, I usually spend a few dollars more but I would estimate that I have at least 10 – 15 tops that cost me under $5.

But this past Friday was my best ever success at working the system. This month is my birthday so I received an email coupon for $10 off to use once during March. A few days later I received a $5 reward from previous purchases. That was followed in another couple of days by a mailer with another $5 off coupon if I used my Kohl’s charge. There was a one week period when all three of these discounts were valid. And Kohl’s allows you to use all of your discounts on top of each other!

I found two long sleeve Croft & Barrow tops that were on sale for $9.99 each. I pulled out all my discounts & ended up walking out of the store with both tops for FREE!!! I didn’t have to spend another penny. Woo Hoo! The guy who rang up the sale said, “Wow! Great job! You have two cents left.” I told him he could keep that. That was the first time I came away with two items that were totally free. I decided that was my birthday gift from Kohl’s. Thank you, Kohl’s!

I just hope they don’t change their policies anytime soon. My guess is that most people spend much more when they head to the store with their coupons. But I am damn good at working the system & playing by the rules that the store sets up. Pardon me while I give myself a quick pat on the back. J I love the tops but I think I love the fact that they were the ultimate bargain even more.

My sister-in-law still talks about several home decorating items she stumbled onto in Montana. She literally paid $1 each for all kinds of really cool stuff for her tables & shelves. There is just something special about feeling like you got something for nothing – without stealing it!

Now, please, share a few of your bargain hunting stories with me. Thanks!

OLYMPIC JUNKIES

We vividly recall all the old time Olympians – Jonny Mosley, Dan Jansen, Scott Hamilton, Apolo Anton Ohno – who are now the color commentators for the current Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Many current athletes competing for the U.S.A. are familiar names – Julia Mancuso, Shani Davis, Bode Miller, Shaun White, Gracie Gold – on & on it goes.

My family loves the Olympics! When either the Summer or Winter Olympics come around, there is a two week period that finds us glued to the TV, trying to avoid hearing results all day in order to be surprised by the evening telecast. My son, Darrin, & I are the worst. We stay up late every night texting each other when something great (or lousy) happens.

Every four years we are suddenly enthralled with slopestyle snowboarding, speed skating, biathalon, mogul skiing, figure skating, luge, bobsledding & of course, curling! Last Olympics Darrin looked up the rules for curling & once we knew the basics along with the object of the game, it became almost mesmerizing to watch the players send the “rock” down the lane as their teammates furiously sweep the ice to change its speed.

My daughter-in-law, Allison, has dubbed us “Olympic Junkies” – a perfect description of the affliction that takes hold of us every other year. It’s appropriate, too, because when the closing ceremonies are over, there really is a sort of physical withdrawal that takes place inside us when there are no longer hours of competition in obscure sports to fill our days & evenings.

From the time Darrin was a teenager (he will be 38 next month – yikes!), we have shared 2 – 3 hour fast food lunches together. We are never at a loss for words & I am convinced that we could solve all the world’s problems if people would only listen to us! Now, that he is a husband & father our lunches have become less frequent. BUT yesterday he invited me to lunch at McDonalds “to talk Olympics” – don’t have to ask me twice, I’ll be there with bells on!

For two hours we analyzed present performances & events, rehashed some of the older Olympic moments & reminisced about Darrin’s aspirations of winter sports competition over Chicken McNuggets (with Sweet Chili & Habanero Ranch dipping sauce made specially for the Winter Games). I do believe we have started a new tradition for mother & son.

When Darrin was really young our family was inspired to try ice skating after watching the figure skating at Lake Placid in 1980. Our four year old announced that he was “going to do a sit spin” like he saw the skaters perform on TV. Alas, there were no sit spins of any consequence but we did have fun!

We took up cross-country skiing after seeing it in the Winter Games. Of course, we started off trying to go really fast like the Olympians, but soon learned to slow down & enjoy the scenery. Over the years Darrin has wanted to be a short-track speed skater, a slider (luge) & just four years ago was tempted to take up curling when he learned there is a curling club in San Jose.

When he was 16, Darrin tried out for the U.S. Junior Luge Team on their recruiting trip to California. They had sleds with wheels & used closed freeway on ramps for the tryouts. He was invited to Lake Placid for a month of training to see if he was good enough to compete. Unfortunately, it was during the school year & at our expense. Plus he was taking flying lessons & ultimately chose to continue that pursuit instead.

On vacation in Calgary a few years later, we stopped for a tour of the Olympic Park. One of the “attractions” was to slide down the last third of the Olympic luge track on a real luge sled. Of course, we all tried it! Darrin & his dad did it twice each where as I settled for one attempt. The instructions were to simply relax & the sled will do the work. Yeah, right – as I went up one side of the ice trench then way up the other side, my brain kicked in saying, “You had better relax, girl, or you’re going to be upside down in no time.” Well, I’ll be damned if I didn’t relax & amazingly, the ride smoothed out.

We reached speeds of 25 – 30 MPH which seemed pretty damn fast to me. I can’t imagine going 80 MPH on your back down a hill when 30 MPH felt like flying! It was an experience of a lifetime for us Olympic wannabes. Maybe a bobsled ride is next on the horizon. 

DOES THIS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?

I just love all the really fun boots that are out there this winter. I used some Christmas money to buy a super cute pair of champagne colored mid-calf boots with big laces up the front & a zipper on the side you don’t have to tie them every time.

Being somewhat older than the average female fashionista, I have had some difficulty finding pants that will fit smoothly in the boots without bunching making it look like I’m wearing a pair of fatigues & combat boots. The tights that many young women wear look great if you weigh 85 pounds & don’t jiggle. Not me for sure!

Having reached the age of 60-something, I just will not wear something that is totally uncomfortable anymore no matter how great it looks. That pretty much eliminates the skin tight, & I do mean SKIN tight, jeans that many women wear now days. I’ve seen plenty of women with their “muffin tops” exposed & their jeans so snug that you can see pretty much every nook & cranny of the feminine anatomy.

Whatever happened to stirrup pants? I know they went out of style sometime in the 80s – or was it even earlier? But they were wonderful to wear with boots. Maybe they will make a comeback.

Currently, there is a clothing item on the market known as “jeggings” – a cross between leggings & jeans. Well, I bought a pair the other day that are really stretchy & look like jeans except that they are basically skin tight but remarkably comfortable. Fortunately, they have some substance to hold in most parts without cutting off your circulation.

I put them on this morning with my super cute boots for a lunch date with a friend. I tried looking at myself in the mirror from every angle to make sure things weren’t bulging out somewhere that they shouldn’t be. Finally I went downstairs to get Lou’s opinion.

We have discussed the age old question, “Honey, does this make my butt look big?” a couple times. I’ve told him I will never ask him that particular question because we both know that there is only one right answer, “No, of course not”. And besides, if I’m being honest, I know when something makes me look fat. Here is the conversation:

Me: Okay, I want your honest opinion. I promise I won’t get upset or angry but I need to know if these jeggings make me look too fat or to bulgy or like an old lady wearing something inappropriate.

Lou (in a pleading voice):  You are not supposed to ask that question.

Me:  I’m not asking if my butt looks big. I’m asking if anything is bulging or rolling or if it is just too much.

Lou (after looking me over):  No, it looks good, very stylish.

Me:  Are you sure? If you saw me walking down the street, would you think, ‘Look at that old woman trying to look like a teen-ager’?

Lou:  No, you look fine. Very nice.  And no camel toe (he added a few seconds later with a smile).

Me:  Okay, thanks Sweetie, that’s good to know.

I’m sure I heard him breathe a sigh of relief as I left the room to finish getting ready for my lunch.  My friend, Judi, confirmed that I did indeed look just fine & she added that she has seen far, far worse. I know what she means. I recall a middle-aged woman in the Paris airport a few years back who would have made a plumber blush when she bent down to get something out of her bag. Yikes!

I’ve always been a bit of a rebel & love to push the envelope a bit when it comes to fashion choices but I really don’t want to offend anyone’s sensitivities. I just want my pants to stay tucked in my boots. Is that too much to ask?

NEW COLD WEATHER BOOTS

Since we are headed to the Super Bowl in New Jersey in a few weeks, & since the Farmer’s Almanac has predicted a huge blizzard during that time, we decided to use our New Year’s Eve jaunt to Old Sacramento for the annual fireworks celebration last night as a test for our foul-weather gear.

First of all, Old Sac did a fantastic job with the fireworks last night! We have seen them many times & they were cool, but, hey, fireworks are fireworks.  This year the city hired a new company that had four staging areas & they did a bang up job – pun intended! I was quite impressed & who doesn’t love multi-colored fireballs exploding everywhere? It was sensory overload at times.

But back to the cold weather clothes. I had my heavy hooded down jacket & my new “guaranteed warmest” thinsulate gloves that I just purchased. That was paired with my old after-ski boots that are toasty warm for traipsing through the snow. Lou had bought some new snow gloves, too, along with a pair of insulated boots & extra warm socks. He dug out a really cozy fur hat he bought in Russia years ago along with a brightly colored knit neck scarf.

Well, it turns out we were woefully OVER-dressed for the 38-40 degree weather in Sacramento & probably looked a little silly all bundled up. We saw several men dressed in shorts with sandals & a few women in mini-skirts. Come on people, it wasn’t THAT warm. But, hopefully, that means we will stay fairly warm in what could be a freezing snow storm back east.

However, I did learn that my trusty after-ski boots are great for a few hours of minimal walking but aren’t going to cut it long term. I figure I need to be prepared to walk miles & wear these boots all day long since it will likely be a nightmare getting to & from the stadium on Super Sunday.

Armed with some of my Christmas money (which I love by the way since it is such fun to shop without spending “my” money), I headed to the local sporting goods stores today to find some new boots. Of course, I wanted them to be warm, waterproof, somewhat stylish, comfortable & affordable.

It turns out that one store was closing out its winter clothing & boots. It was all up front in the store away from the footwear department with the benches for trying on shoes. Things had been picked through a bit but there were still a few choices in my fairly normal size 8. Now, if I was a size 6 or size 10, I would have had tons of choices.

With no chairs nearby, I ended up sitting on the floor with several boxes around me trying on lots of cold weather boots. Fortunately, the store wasn’t busy & no one bothered me so I spent a long time sitting, standing up, walking around, sitting again, changing boots & doing it again while deciding which pair best met all my criteria.

Finally I had decided on a pair that met all of my requirements except the tag on the display boot said $49.99, no sale price. Damn it! Several others were marked down to $34.99 but they just didn’t feel as good or look as good. I finally decided “what the hell” I’m going to get them anyway. After all, Christmas money is meant to be spent on things that you wouldn’t normally buy. And I love a sale as much as the next person, but I thought these are the ones, don’t quibble over 15 bucks, Kath.

As I cleaned up my make shift shoe department area putting things back in their boxes & on the shelf, I moved the display boot of the one I’d chosen. And guess what? The tag flipped around & it was on sale for $34.99, too!  Woo Hoo!!! SCORE!