IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

It never fails. It can be 10 or 11 PM at night & I can’t keep my eyes open. Even if there is a good show on TV, I’ll be sitting on the couch realizing I just dozed off & missed 30 seconds. So, I get up & go upstairs to bed only to find that I am wide awake. There is something in my brain that seems to switch on the second my head hits the pillow. This doesn’t just happen occasionally but almost every damn night.

My entire adult life I have rarely fallen asleep quickly or slept all night. Normally, it will take me a minimum of half an hour to fall asleep, most nights longer. Over the years I have learned to relax to the extent that even though my mind is whirling away, my body is totally relaxed & virtually sleeping. I’m sure it isn’t nearly as good as actual sleep but it seems to work for me.

I have an unwritten rule I’ve made up that if I’m still awake two hours after going to bed (which happens more than I would like) I get up for awhile & either read or write. But there is a silver lining to this sleep pattern. I have found that I do my best thinking in the middle of the night. It is not unusual that ideas for blog posts will pop into my head & once that happens, I might as well get up & write it down. It will surely be long gone by the morning.

Now that I have “retired” & don’t have to get up early most of the time, I really enjoy my late night alone time in front of the computer when it’s quiet & peaceful. I have always appreciated my quiet time with no TV or music or conversation, just me & my thoughts. Usually, after an hour or more I’m ready to give it another go & see if I can drift off to sleep.

Back when Darrin was a small child, I would stay up by myself a couple times a week just to get that “me time”. All I would do is watch some late night TV or read a bit but I have always craved the quiet time by myself, although I never minded sharing my respite with my son once in awhile.

One time when Darrin was four years old, he woke up & was unable to get back to sleep. It was a weekend & Saturday Night Live was on so I brought him in on the couch with me. We laid down & snuggled with the afghan over us. The Mr. Bill skit came on where a little clay figure gets flattened by something & always goes, “Oh, no!” in a high pitched voice. Darrin started giggling so hard & couldn’t stop which got me giggling at the poor little guy getting squashed. Well, that was a fun trip down memory lane – geez, it was 33 years ago! Where does the time go?

Currently, there are a couple scenarios that unfortunately alter my peaceful, relaxing awake time in bed. I have eliminated most caffeine from my diet so when I do have some I feel it more. Sometimes I forget to use good judgment (or just say, what the hell) & have some caffeine in the evening. A diet Pepsi or two at dinner out or a little chocolate for dessert can sometimes wire me up like someone who’s had four espressos right before bed.

After about five minutes in bed I can tell that this ain’t gonna work. The deep relaxation is replaced by a jittery, teeth clenching feeling that pretty much signals me to just get up right now because I’m not going to sleep anytime soon. In those rare cases, I just get up, resign myself to a late night, turn on Letterman or Leno & start typing.

My other sleep shattering experience feels similar to a “caffeine high” BUT I haven’t had any caffeine. I’m pretty sure that it is something in food & I’m still trying to figure out what it might be. I have a feeling that it is an ingredient on the long list of things included in processed meals. I wrote this on one of those nights at 2:00 AM. 

I made a frozen broccoli & beef with rice meal for dinner. I went in & dug the package out of the trash to see if I could pinpoint something causing my sleeplessness. The ingredients seemed pretty basic until I got to the sauce – there must have been 20 different things on the list, many of which I couldn’t pronounce. My guess is that the culprit was one of those, maybe soy sauce whatever or mono something or glutamate something.

I guess it’s true what they say – if it has more than a few ingredients & most don’t sound like real food, spit it out! Or at least have lots of good books on your Kindle for the late nights. J

SOMETIMES THE SYSTEM WORKS

We've all been there – sitting on hold for endless hours, pushing button after button with ridiculously simple topics that have nothing to do with your problem. Or worse yet, having to talk to a recording. Is there anyone who sounds natural saying “Yes” or “More information” or “Billing question” to this detached voice?

Then “Jason”, who is clearly answering your call from somewhere on the other side of the world, comes on the line. By the sound of his accent & his programmed willingness to help, you are pretty sure that “Jason” is not the name his mama gave him at birth. “Jason” apologizes constantly & reassures you that he will fix your problem over & over. On some occasions “Jason” is indeed able to solve your problem but more often than not it will take many more calls with many more explanations on your part before your issue is resolved.

But once in awhile the system works to perfection. Here is some background on our need to solve a particular problem. On our trip to upstate New York a few months ago, Lou & I stopped in Syracuse for half an hour to take a quick look & some photos of downtown. Syracuse has machines that issue a receipt showing you paid through a certain time which is placed on your dashboard.

We followed the directions, put in enough money to give us 30 minutes & placed the receipt on the dashboard. Grabbing our cameras we shut the door, synchronized our watches & headed to Clinton Square half a block away. We returned 25 minutes later to find a parking ticket on the windshield! WTF????

It was a windy day & apparently a gust had blown the receipt when I shut the door turning it upside down. Damn it! The parking ticket was printed out from a hand held automated machine that clearly showed the time it was issued – 9:52 AM. Our receipt was good through 10:06 AM but it wasn't visible.

After a few choice words, I used some of my son's valuable words of advice – spend 20% of the time on the problem & 80% of the time on the solution. The back of the ticket showed a procedure to contest the citation by mail so I tucked them both in my purse & told Lou that will be easy to do when we get home in a few days. We forgot about it temporarily & headed to Cooperstown.

Upon our return home I filled out the back of the ticket then sent it with copies of the parking receipt & ticket plus a letter of explanation to the address provided. I was confident that we would not have to pay the $25 fine.

About three weeks later Alamo Rental Car decided to take matters into their own hands & entered the mix. Apparently, they received a copy of the parking ticket. Alamo sent us a letter indicating that they had paid the ticket & we owed them $25 for the ticket, plus an $18 fee for a total of $43. I don't think so!

And here is where the system worked like a charm to fix this problem in record time. I called the 800 number on Alamo's letter. On the third ring Angelica answered – she was a real, English speaking American woman. I explained the situation in detail & gave her the invoice number from the letter. She asked if I had copies showing we had paid for parking. I replied yes. She asked me to email her that information & gave me her email address.

I scanned the copies into my computer & emailed them to her. This was about 4 PM – a few hours later there was an email reply from Angelica saying that the invoice has been closed & we don't owe Alamo anything. I couldn't believe how easily that was resolved. Why can't more companies, specifically cell phone & cable TV companies, hire competent people who can actually solve problems?

The next day we received a letter from the City of Syracuse saying that they accepted our explanation & the ticket was dismissed. So, we now have a clean driving record in Syracuse, New York & as far as we know Alamo will still rent cars to us. When the system works it is a beautiful thing.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

I save lots of jokes or quotes or interesting thoughts.  I ran across this column by American humorist Erma Bombeck the other day when I was reading through some of my saved treasures. Truer words were never spoken. This was one smart woman. You & I are still here to put this into practice. Start today.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer in 1996).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love yous." More "I'm sorrys."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it, live it, and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, in our one shot at this and then it's gone. I hope you all have a blessed day.

PEACH PANTS & DIRT

Have you ever known one of those women (usually older, trim & perfectly coiffed) who can wear white pants to a picnic outdoors & never get a speck of dirt on them? I am certainly not one of them but I have met a few in my lifetime. It has always fascinated me how they can stay perfectly clean without even trying. I am quite envious of them but have accepted the fact that I am sort of a female version of the Pigpen character in the Peanuts comic strip. You know, the little guy who always walked around with a cloud of dust surrounding him.

Years ago when my son & ex-husband were involved in air shows an older performer’s wife, Mrs. Nissen, was one of those dapper women who dirt seemed to be afraid of. Mrs. Nissen was a friendly, outgoing, sweetheart of a woman who would sit out with her family near their airplane all day. She never seemed to get dirty or even rumpled when the rest of us were a mess – hot, sweaty & grimy.

That evening at dinner Mrs. Nissen’s white pants would be spotless even though she never had time to change. I honestly don’t know how she stayed so neat & clean. If you’ve ever been to an air show, you know there is dust blowing everywhere, not to mention that the nature of the sport is conducive to attracting dirt & grease.

When I rode & competed in horse shows as a teenager, I could never keep clean. In English riding we wore white long-sleeved shirts to show our horses. I would literally get out of the truck to unload my horse from the trailer & my shirt would be streaked with dirt. I learned to wear a sweatshirt, zipped up to my neck from the moment I left the house in the morning until I was ready to take if off, put on my riding coat & mount up. Even then it just seemed like dirt had this uncanny knack to seek me out no matter how careful I tried to be.

Unfortunately, as I’ve aged it hasn’t gotten much better. I still end up with dirt on me – even when I’m not in a situation that caters to getting dirty. I’ve taken to carrying Shout wipes in my purse so that when I’m out & about, I can at least clean myself up. And Lord help me if I eat something chocolate. I invariably drop a tiny piece on my clothing that goes unnoticed until later when there is suddenly a brown spot on my blouse or pants. In fact that very thing happened with a new turquoise top a few weeks ago. That Shout is great stuff, I highly recommend it!

I do own one pair of white pants which I bought really cheap at Ross. In the likely event that I ruined them I didn’t want to make a big investment. I normally save my white capris to wear on cruises. That way I can work at staying clean as I sit on deck doing nothing & pretending that I am one of those women who dirt avoids like the plague. I have no idea how the dirt knows who it had better leave alone & who it can mess with, but it does.

The reason this all came to mind is because I made a lunch date with a friend this past week. I have a brand new pair of light peach crop pants that I wore for the first time. They were purchased with Kohl's coupons & only $4 out of pocket precisely because of the aforementioned likelihood of ruining them due to the light color. Plus I love a good bargain, but that is a whole other post topic.

Anyway, prior to lunch, I went to the grocery store to do the weekly shopping. I loaded my bags into the trunk of my car, opened the door & slid into the driver’s seat. I looked down & there were streaks of black dirt on both legs of my new peach pants! “Son of a bitch!”, I exclaimed. Actually, I said something much worse but you get the idea. J

Fortunately, I was able to get it all off once I was back home. But I have no clue where I got that dirt on me. I suppose I brushed up against something – or it could be that dirt just loves to screw with me since it is so easy. Either way, now that I’m in my sixties, I seriously doubt it will be changing anytime soon. And I did manage to stay clean throughout our Mexican food lunch which was quite an accomplishment. 

HOT FLASHES

“I fell in to a burning ring of fire. I went down, down, down & the flames went higher.” If I didn't know better, I'd swear that Johnny Cash was singing about the bane of pretty much every woman who is in the second half of her life – hot flashes.

Oh, my goodness – where to start? These lovely little reminders of menopause have been living with me for the past 18 years. At the age of 45, I noticed an occasional little burst of warmth that quickly spread throughout my body then dissipated. I remember thinking at the time, “Ah, a hot flash. This isn't so bad.” Oh, you silly woman, just wait. My mother suffered (mostly in silence) from hot flashes after a hysterectomy at age 39 until her death at age 60.

Women of a generation or two past seemed to have been taught that you don't mention hot flashes or “the change of life”, you just suffer quietly as you sweat & turn red & die of the heat. Lou mentioned recalling his mother having to pull the car to the side of the road until a hot flash passed. Fortunately, my generation freely discusses all the uncomfortable, crazy symptoms of menopause. Yes, we even use the word with abandon now.

As the years passed, the intensity of the hot flashes grew. Turtlenecks & pullover sweaters became a thing of the past. Any woman who has experienced intense hot flashes knows that you are inclined to rip off any hot, constrictive clothing before even looking to see who might be in the room. Hopefully, you won't knock anyone over on your way to the freezer for some cooling relief.

My sister, Karen, went through menopause about the same time I did even though she is 5 years younger than me. Our friend, Deb, was also dealing with it simultaneously. Years ago, we were together at Karen's house one evening – either one, two or all three of us were having a hot flash at any given moment! It really was comical. I don't know how women got through it without joking & laughing & sharing. A good sense of humor is imperative for survival.

A few years later the night sweats & instant heat surges started. It still boggles my mind how your body temperature can spike up to 108 degrees (yes, they say it can go that high!) in a matter of seconds. But since it drops just as quickly, I suppose that's why it doesn't kill you. At their worst, I lost count of the number I'd have per day – it was upwards of 20 or 30. I could think about them & bring them on, but I'll be damned if I could ever figure out how to think myself into preventing or stopping them.

Summers were the worst since it was already hot outside. A hot flash on top of 100 degree heat is not pleasant in the least. About the only thing hot flashes were good for was on winter nights. If you're like me, you have to get up to pee pretty much every night. In winter it is really cold getting out of bed & staggering into the bathroom. BUT I discovered that if you just waited for the next hot flash then got up, the cool night air felt wonderful!

When my periods finally stopped at age 51, I assumed the hot flashes would taper off, too. Wrong! I'm still getting the damn things fairly regularly 12 years later. Sometimes they will be worse for awhile & sometimes they almost go away for a few weeks, but so far, they always reappear. They don't seem so bad anymore, but then maybe I've just gotten used to them as a way of life. A few women in their 70s have told me not to count on ever having a climate controlled body again. Oh, fun!

Younger women are sympathetic but have no idea just how intense the heat from a hot flash can be. And men seem to instinctively know that they had better not ever minimize the effect of hot flashes on our sanity or we will turn on them in an instant. On occasion Lou will be in the office with our computers generating extra heat in the summer. He will take off his shirt & complain how hot he is - I smile & say, "Welcome to my world!"

I REALLY envy those few women who have made it through menopause & never had a hot flash or who say, “Mine only lasted a few months & weren't that bad.” You keep your mouth shut & smile but your brain is thinking, “Lucky bitch!”