PUNCHLINES

Back in my old skydiver days, telling dirty jokes was a favorite past time over beer at the local pizza place. A good joke teller with some new material always elicited a laugh. Here are some of my favorites that I've continued to tell over the past 50 years or so. Most of them are better if you've had a few drinks so go grab yourself a glass of wine or a beer. Here we go!

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A guy walks into a bar & says to the bartender, "Hey, give me a bubble dourbon." "A what?" asks the bartender. "A bubble dourbon" replies the guy. "Oh, you mean a double bourbon", says the bartender. "That's what I said, a bubble dourbon," answers the guy.

Making small talk the bartender asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Collar Denverado," replies the man. "Where," queries the bartender. "Collar Denverado," repeats the man. "Oh, you mean Denver, Colorado," explains the bartender. "That's what I said, Collar Denverado," says the guy.

"What brings you here?" the bartender asks. "I'm here for the shurkey toot," the guy answers. "The what?" says the bartender. "The shurkey toot," says the guy again. "Oh, you're here for the turkey shoot," the bartender exclaims. "That's what I said, the shurkey toot," the man replied.

About this time there is shift change & a new bartender comes on duty. The off duty bartender walks down to the new bartender & says, "If you get a chance, go talk to that guy at the end of the bar. It will shickle the tit out of you!"

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Two guys are in court before the judge. One is beat all to hell with bandages, bruises & black eyes. The other doesn't have a scratch on him. The judge asks the beat up guy what happened & he replies, "I was just walking along minding my own business & this guy jumps out of the bushes & beats the shit out of me!"

The judge asks the guy without a scratch for his version of what happened. "Your honor, I was walking in the park & met this woman who asked if I was looking for some fun. I replied that I was & asked how much "fun" cost. She told me it was $2.50 an inch. I told her I'd take $7.50 worth of fun. So, we are in the bushes having some "fun" when this guy comes along, steps on my ass & pushes my bill up to $15.50!"

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A man, a genie & a one foot tall piano player walk into a bar. Seeing the odd trio, the bartender strikes up a conversation. The man says, "This genie grants wishes. I suppose I could let him grant you one wish. What will it be?"

The bartender thinks for a minute, then says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly, a million ducks are flying all over the room knocking things over & wreaking havoc. "What the hell?" the bartender asks. The man replies, "I forgot to mention the genie is a little hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

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Telling these jokes, particularly the first one, requires just enough alcohol to be able to get into telling it but not too much too screw it up. Usually, I can still tell them with enough flair to get a laugh or two. Please feel free to share your favorite dirty jokes with me! I'd love to add a few more to my repertoire.